Eurovision: Only Mr. Koen Knows Why

This is a sad moment in the history of Jonderblog [writes Koen, our far-flung correspondent]. For the first time since March 5, 2018, we must start a post with a disclaimer!

WARNING: although the article is outrageously funny, the music isn’t! Therefore, we strongly advise you NOT to download the music or click on the YouTube links. If you still insist on doing so, prepare yourself with a large bucket and a lot of tranquilizers before listening to any of the tunes or watching the videos. Once you have puked your guts out, you’ll need the meds to recover a bit, although the damage is already done: you have opened an aural and visual Lovecraftian Pandora’s Box…

Earlier this year, the 68th Eurovision Song Contest was held in Malmö, something which I normally would ignore if it hadn’t been for the controversy around the disqualification of the Dutch candidate Joost Klein… His song ‘Europapa’ was considered a potential winner, and I made the huge mistake of actually checking it out.

After watching with open mouth for about 10 seconds I wanted to smash my desktop to pieces… Too late, its lyrics are still causing me massive headaches:

Europe, let's come together (Euro-pa-pa, Euro-pa-pa)

It's now or never, I love you all (Euro-pa-pa, Euro-pa-pa)

(Welcome to Europe, stay here until I die)

Welkom in Europa, blijf hier tot ik doodga, Europa-pa, Europa-pa

(Visit my friends in France or run to Vienna)

Bezoek m'n friends in France of neem de benen naar Wenen

(I want to leave the Netherlands, but my passport has disappeared)

Ik wil weg uit Netherlands, maar m'n paspoort is verdwenen (Etc.)

Painful indeed, but it did trigger some dusty memories of the late 60s and early 70s when the whole family was clustered around the (black & white!) television faithfully watching each year’s contest. And even when we considered the Dutch candidate awful, we would still secretly root for him/her/them, blame it on misguided nationalism!

Probably as a result I got so severely traumatized that I live now on the other side of the world… [And has your passport disappeared? -- jonder]

Anyway, I managed to forget (more or less) about the Europapa travesty until last week… The New Yorker reposted a 2010 article written by Anthony Lane about Eurovision’s origins and wacky songs/performers, which had me in stitches.

In a moment of madness, I decided to share it with Jonder and Stinky and mentioned that ‘perhaps it would be fun to add the music to this article for a new post, but then we will be sued to death’. To my horror both of them thought it was a great idea and the result you are reading now...

I still consider this a crime against humanity, but I’m giving you a choice! You can either download the PDF article + an additional PDF listing all 58 songs with YouTube links, in order to 'enjoy' the visuals, or...

Download all 39 songs from the 2010 Contest, a double CD in fact.  Of course you’re free to download both, but you might as well slash your wrists right now…

P.S. Strangely enough an old Jona Lewie song (Hallelujah Europa from 1975) should have been submitted by the United Kingdom, but as far as I know nobody ever even thought about it.